To be sure, false Holocaust memoirs are hardly a recent phenomenon (Next time,
Art Spiegelman, do a little research—there was no concentration camp called
"Mauschwitz."). But in recent years, they seem to have become both more common
and more crappy. It's no longer enough to simply say you were in a concentration
camp, like Fauxlocaust survivor Benjamin Wilkomirski. No, now you need to have
been led across Europe by wolves, or have a chance encounter years later that
results in your marriage to the hidden Jewish girl who saved you. Bad enough
that these assorted frauds and lunatics should spew this nonsense, but do they
have to do such a bad job of it? Have they no shame?????
The answer, of course, is that they don't. And so while the rest of the world
may turn away or offer the occasional book deal, we cannot remain silent (much
less offer a book deal). What we can—no, must—do, is confront this dangerous
trend the only way we know how—with a self-aggrandizing and somewhat offensive
And thus, we unveil the Heeb Magazine Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition. Simply
write a fake Holocaust Memoir recounting your tale of Holocaust survival, get it
to us by April 1, and let us do the rest, which, in this case, involves reading
your submissions choosing a winner, announcing the winner on Yom Hashoah (April
21) and publishing the winning entry in the subsequent issue of Heeb. You're
reading that correctly. You could be published in Heeb Magazine, and who
knows—maybe you could be on Oprah, too?
1. All entries must be received by April 1, 2009.
2. Entries should be emailed to info@... with the subject line
"Heeb Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition" or sent to: Heeb Fake Holocaust Memoir
Competition, P.O. Box 687, New York, New York, 10012.
3. Entries may be of any length, but we should tell you that our years of
watching TV have really shot our attention span all to hell.
4. Although real Holocaust survivors may enter, the memoirs themselves must be
5. No erotic fan fiction
6. No close friends or relatives of Alex Trebek
7. We reserve the right to mock any and all entries.
8. We reserve the right to publish and mock the winning entry.
9. "Memoirs" shall be defined as a form of writing, not a collage, short film or
interpretive dance piece.
10. Jewdar will be the sole arbitrator of entries, and will decide the winner.
Don't be too shocked if it's Jewdar's.
11. No parking baby. No parking on the dance floor.
12. No use of the words "tumescent," "engorged" or "moist," unless they are
referring to cake
13. No previously published fake Holocaust memoirs
14. All entries must be the original creations of the entrant.
15. We are not liable for anything, anytime, anywhere, no givesies backsies,